I almost forgot that I had posted this! After a lot of digging around, we determined that these objects either don't really exist, or shouldn't exist.

I was actually having the opposite problem. I posted a script here:

http://www.sqlservercentral.com/forums/shwmessage.aspx?forumid=359&messageid=372467

The script is designed to deny public permissions, but by changing "deny" to "grant," you should be...