Assumming that you really mean the following:
1. Flash - Request Specific Query
2. Object -Create ADO.recordSet from SQL and disconnect
3. Flash - pickup disconnected RecordSet
4. Flash - Update Data
5. Flash - reconnect to Object and send marshalled recordSet
6. Object - Update SQL (as is) from recordSet
7. Done
Then step 6 only needs to set the recordset's Connection property to an active connection object, then call the UpdateBatch method.
If Flash and Object are in separate processes, then ADO at the Flash program will send only changed data back to the Object (with appropriate keys to do the update) at step 5. This will include inserts and deletes as well as updates.
If Flash and Object in same process (Object is an inprocess DLL running in same process as Flash (or inetinfo?), then the updates will be extracted during step 6 when the UpdateBatch is called.