The SQL Joke Thread

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The SQL Joke Thread

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Ray K SSC-Dedicated Points: 31164 More actions · Answer 1

True story -- figured people would get a kick out of this...

I was looking into something on a database a while back (I don't remember what it was, but that's not important). I came across the triggers section. And suddenly, this popped into my head:

"The wonderful thing about triggers is that triggers are wonderful things..."

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sgmunson SSC Guru Points: 110640 More actions · Answer 2

Ray K - Friday, May 18, 2018 9:19 AM
True story -- figured people would get a kick out of this...
I was looking into something on a database a while back (I don't remember what it was, but that's not important). I came across the triggers section. And suddenly, this popped into my head:
"The wonderful thing about triggers is that triggers are wonderful things..."

The inspiration for this would have to be Tigger, from Winnie the Pooh. Where Tigger ~~says~~ sings:
The wonderful thing about Tiggers Is Tiggers are wonderful things Their tops are made out of rubber Their bottoms are made out of springs

Theyre bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers Is Im the only one, Im the only one

Attributing that to Disney, and mentioning it's copyrighted, if that helps keep the PC police away. Those lyrics are all over the internet, given their fame...

Steve (aka sgmunson) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Rent Servers for Income (picks and shovels strategy)

sgmunson SSC Guru Points: 110640 More actions · Answer 3

With apologies to Disney, kids everywhere, and this forum's readers:
The most wonderful thing about Triggers, is triggers are dangerous things! Their insides are made out of queries, Their outsides are data based springs.

The good DBAs will thus pounce, on a trigger that's nothin' but fun! But the most wonderful thing about Triggers, is when a table has only one!

Steve (aka sgmunson) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Rent Servers for Income (picks and shovels strategy)

Jeff Moden SSC Guru Points: 1004366 More actions · Answer 4

sgmunson - Friday, May 18, 2018 12:34 PM
With apologies to Disney, kids everywhere, and this forum's readers:
The most wonderful thing about Triggers, is triggers are dangerous things! Their insides are made out of queries, Their outsides are data based springs.
The good DBAs will thus pounce, on a trigger that's nothin' but fun! But the most wonderful thing about Triggers, is when a table has only one!

Heh.... now that's bad. You should apologize to the rest of us, as well. 😀

--Jeff Moden

RBAR is pronounced "ree-bar" and is a "Modenism" for Row-By-Agonizing-Row.
First step towards the paradigm shift of writing Set Based code:
________Stop thinking about what you want to do to a ROW... think, instead, of what you want to do to a COLUMN.

Change is inevitable... Change for the better is not.

Helpful Links:
How to post code problems
How to Post Performance Problems
Create a Tally Function (fnTally)

Jeff Moden SSC Guru Points: 1004366 More actions · Answer 5

In the true spirit of a meat-eating DBA...

Mares eat oats
And does eat oats,
And little lambs eat ivy...
La-dee-da-da-deh-dee,
I smoke and eat all three. 😀

--Jeff Moden

RBAR is pronounced "ree-bar" and is a "Modenism" for Row-By-Agonizing-Row.
First step towards the paradigm shift of writing Set Based code:
________Stop thinking about what you want to do to a ROW... think, instead, of what you want to do to a COLUMN.

Change is inevitable... Change for the better is not.

Helpful Links:
How to post code problems
How to Post Performance Problems
Create a Tally Function (fnTally)

sgmunson SSC Guru Points: 110640 More actions · Answer 6

Jeff Moden - Friday, May 18, 2018 1:24 PM
sgmunson - Friday, May 18, 2018 12:34 PM
With apologies to Disney, kids everywhere, and this forum's readers:
The most wonderful thing about Triggers, is triggers are dangerous things! Their insides are made out of queries, Their outsides are data based springs.
The good DBAs will thus pounce, on a trigger that's nothin' but fun! But the most wonderful thing about Triggers, is when a table has only one!
Heh.... now that's bad. You should apologize to the rest of us, as well. 😀

Agolopize??? Wor fhat? Jelling a tad boke? Orget fit !!!

Do like the Mairzy Doats spoof though....

Steve (aka sgmunson) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Rent Servers for Income (picks and shovels strategy)

sgmunson SSC Guru Points: 110640 More actions · Answer 7

Jeff Moden - Friday, May 18, 2018 1:28 PM
In the true spirit of a meat-eating DBA...
Mares eat oats
And does eat oats,
And little lambs eat ivy...
La-dee-da-da-deh-dee,
I smoke and eat all three. 😀

Variation to clarify which 3 of the 5 things mentioned, that you are referring to:
Mares eat oats And does eat oats, And little lambs eat ivy... Mares and does and little lambs, you see, Get smoked and eaten by me, all three!

Steve (aka sgmunson) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Rent Servers for Income (picks and shovels strategy)

Jeff Moden SSC Guru Points: 1004366 More actions · Answer 8

sgmunson - Wednesday, May 30, 2018 3:12 PM
Jeff Moden - Friday, May 18, 2018 1:28 PM
In the true spirit of a meat-eating DBA...
Mares eat oats
And does eat oats,
And little lambs eat ivy...
La-dee-da-da-deh-dee,
I smoke and eat all three. 😀
Variation to clarify which 3 of the 5 things mentioned, that you are referring to:
Mares eat oats And does eat oats, And little lambs eat ivy... Mares and does and little lambs, you see, Get smoked and eaten by me, all three!

Doesn't matter.... Being a true omnivore, I also eat the oats and the ivy. 😀

--Jeff Moden

RBAR is pronounced "ree-bar" and is a "Modenism" for Row-By-Agonizing-Row.
First step towards the paradigm shift of writing Set Based code:
________Stop thinking about what you want to do to a ROW... think, instead, of what you want to do to a COLUMN.

Change is inevitable... Change for the better is not.

Helpful Links:
How to post code problems
How to Post Performance Problems
Create a Tally Function (fnTally)

sgmunson SSC Guru Points: 110640 More actions · Answer 9

Jeff Moden - Wednesday, May 30, 2018 3:14 PM
sgmunson - Wednesday, May 30, 2018 3:12 PM
Jeff Moden - Friday, May 18, 2018 1:28 PM
In the true spirit of a meat-eating DBA...
Mares eat oats
And does eat oats,
And little lambs eat ivy...
La-dee-da-da-deh-dee,
I smoke and eat all three. 😀
Variation to clarify which 3 of the 5 things mentioned, that you are referring to:
Mares eat oats And does eat oats, And little lambs eat ivy... Mares and does and little lambs, you see, Get smoked and eaten by me, all three!
Doesn't matter.... Being a true omnivore, I also eat the oats and the ivy. 😀

Well... in that case:
Mares eats oats And does eat oats, And little lambs eat ivy, But Jeff eats all of those and smokes 'em toooo .. ooh...

Steve (aka sgmunson) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Rent Servers for Income (picks and shovels strategy)

Jeff Moden SSC Guru Points: 1004366 More actions · Answer 10

😀

--Jeff Moden

RBAR is pronounced "ree-bar" and is a "Modenism" for Row-By-Agonizing-Row.
First step towards the paradigm shift of writing Set Based code:
________Stop thinking about what you want to do to a ROW... think, instead, of what you want to do to a COLUMN.

Change is inevitable... Change for the better is not.

Helpful Links:
How to post code problems
How to Post Performance Problems
Create a Tally Function (fnTally)

TomThomson SSC Guru Points: 104773 More actions · Answer 11

Jeff Moden - Wednesday, May 30, 2018 3:14 PM
sgmunson - Wednesday, May 30, 2018 3:12 PM
Jeff Moden - Friday, May 18, 2018 1:28 PM
In the true spirit of a meat-eating DBA...
Mares eat oats
And does eat oats,
And little lambs eat ivy...
La-dee-da-da-deh-dee,
I smoke and eat all three. 😀
Variation to clarify which 3 of the 5 things mentioned, that you are referring to:
Mares eat oats And does eat oats, And little lambs eat ivy... Mares and does and little lambs, you see, Get smoked and eaten by me, all three!
Doesn't matter.... Being a true omnivore, I also eat the oats and the ivy. 😀

But... being a Scot, I eat oats and refuse to eat ivy. I'm not a true omnivore, because I don't eat elsphant shit. I suspect you aren't one either, Jeff (although you may be closer to one than I am).

Tom

Jeff Moden SSC Guru Points: 1004366 More actions · Answer 12

TomThomson - Friday, June 1, 2018 2:09 PM
Jeff Moden - Wednesday, May 30, 2018 3:14 PM
Doesn't matter.... Being a true omnivore, I also eat the oats and the ivy. 😀
But... being a Scot, I eat oats and refuse to eat ivy. I'm not a true omnivore, because I don't eat elsphant shit. I suspect you aren't one either, Jeff (although you may be closer to one than I am).

Dunno about that... I've never had haggis... at least not yet. 😀

--Jeff Moden

RBAR is pronounced "ree-bar" and is a "Modenism" for Row-By-Agonizing-Row.
First step towards the paradigm shift of writing Set Based code:
________Stop thinking about what you want to do to a ROW... think, instead, of what you want to do to a COLUMN.

Change is inevitable... Change for the better is not.

Helpful Links:
How to post code problems
How to Post Performance Problems
Create a Tally Function (fnTally)

TomThomson SSC Guru Points: 104773 More actions · Answer 13

Jeff Moden - Friday, June 1, 2018 2:20 PM
TomThomson - Friday, June 1, 2018 2:09 PM
Jeff Moden - Wednesday, May 30, 2018 3:14 PM
Doesn't matter.... Being a true omnivore, I also eat the oats and the ivy. 😀
But... being a Scot, I eat oats and refuse to eat ivy. I'm not a true omnivore, because I don't eat elsphant shit. I suspect you aren't one either, Jeff (although you may be closer to one than I am).
Dunno about that... I've never had haggis... at least not yet. 😀

It was the smoked ivy that worried me. Taigeis is good food (even when the Gall mis-spell it haggis) but surely no-one but the Gall (which you can translate as either "lowlanders" or "wogs", depending on context) eats smoked ivy?

Tom

Chris Harshman SSC-Forever Points: 42192 More actions · Answer 14

Why doesn't President Trump like relational databases?

He thinks we should use less foreign keys and instead produce more domestic keys.

Luis Cazares SSC Guru Points: 183706 More actions · Answer 15

Chris Harshman - Tuesday, June 12, 2018 11:58 AM
Why doesn't President Trump like relational databases?
He thinks we should use less foreign keys and instead produce more domestic keys.

You got that one from TrumpDBA twitter account 😛

Luis C.
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