The SQL Joke Thread

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The SQL Joke Thread

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TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 1

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary, those who don’t.

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 2

In Canadian hexadecimal, why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9 A?

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 3

A group of DBAs walk into a diner.
One waved over the waiter: “Can we join these tables?”

below86 SSChampion Points: 11538 More actions · Answer 4

TitusCrews - Thursday, May 3, 2018 9:27 AM
A group of DBAs walk into a diner.
One waved over the waiter: â€œCan we join these tables?â€

The waiter at the diner calls over the group of DBA's because the waiter can't figure out a way to join the tables.

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we travel not to escape life but for life not to escape us
Don't fear failure, fear regret.

below86 SSChampion Points: 11538 More actions · Answer 5

Jeff Moden - Wednesday, May 2, 2018 10:25 AM
Why did the DBA get hit by a car? He didn't know how to back up.

Why did the DBA have a car that can only go forward? He didn't know how to back up.

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we travel not to escape life but for life not to escape us
Don't fear failure, fear regret.

x SSC-Insane Points: 23660 More actions · Answer 6

Why couldn't the dba normalize the database?

Because it had NoSQL!

Luis Cazares SSC Guru Points: 183706 More actions · Answer 7

Luis C.
General Disclaimer:
Are you seriously taking the advice and code from someone from the internet without testing it? Do you at least understand it? Or can it easily kill your server?

How to post data/code on a forum to get the best help: Option 1 / Option 2

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 8

*While looking up the sky*
Son: Dad, what are clouds made of?
Dad: Linux Servers, mostly.

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 9

Girl: So, what's your idea of a perfect date?
Guy: YYYY-MM-DD, I find other formats a bit confusing.

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 10

Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

ManicStar SSCoach Points: 17992 More actions · Answer 11

Poem about Uber Queries ( god procs)

one proc to rule them
one proc to bind them
one proc to bring them all and in the darkness, deadlock them

'precious deadlock' BigGrin

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 12

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".

"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 13

The Programmers' Cheer:

Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 14

A guy was smoking and puffing smoke rings in the air..

His girlfriend gets irritated with the smoke and says to the guy: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarette packet? Smoking is dangerous to your health!"

The guy replies: "Look, I'm a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

Jeff Moden SSC Guru Points: 1004412 More actions · Answer 15

TitusCrews - Monday, May 7, 2018 6:55 AM
A guy was smoking and puffing smoke rings in the air..
His girlfriend gets irritated with the smoke and says to the guy: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarette packet? Smoking is dangerous to your health!"
The guy replies: "Look, I'm a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

Heh.... my standard answer is that "Smoking prevents fuming". 🙂

--Jeff Moden

RBAR is pronounced "ree-bar" and is a "Modenism" for Row-By-Agonizing-Row.
First step towards the paradigm shift of writing Set Based code:
________Stop thinking about what you want to do to a ROW... think, instead, of what you want to do to a COLUMN.

Change is inevitable... Change for the better is not.

Helpful Links:
How to post code problems
How to Post Performance Problems
Create a Tally Function (fnTally)