The SQL Joke Thread

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The SQL Joke Thread

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sgmunson SSC Guru Points: 110640 More actions · Answer 1

below86 - Friday, April 6, 2018 9:43 AM
Do you know why Jeff had to get out of the construction business?
He refused to use RBAR!

I guess he'll have to stop SQL building, then... poor Jeff... he'll probably start CURSOR-ing for quite a WHILE when he hears about this... and when his head explodes, we'll know he's LOOPed one too many times... Guess we'll have to FETCH his NEXT row for him.,.

Steve (aka sgmunson) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Rent Servers for Income (picks and shovels strategy)

Jeff Moden SSC Guru Points: 1004412 More actions · Answer 2

below86 - Friday, April 6, 2018 9:43 AM
Do you know why Jeff had to get out of the construction business?
He refused to use RBAR!

BWAAA-HAAAAA-HAAA!!!! Blew a pork chop bone out of my nose on that one! Too funny! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! 😀

--Jeff Moden

RBAR is pronounced "ree-bar" and is a "Modenism" for Row-By-Agonizing-Row.
First step towards the paradigm shift of writing Set Based code:
________Stop thinking about what you want to do to a ROW... think, instead, of what you want to do to a COLUMN.

Change is inevitable... Change for the better is not.

Helpful Links:
How to post code problems
How to Post Performance Problems
Create a Tally Function (fnTally)

sgmunson SSC Guru Points: 110640 More actions · Answer 3

Jeff Moden - Friday, April 6, 2018 1:54 PM
below86 - Friday, April 6, 2018 9:43 AM
Do you know why Jeff had to get out of the construction business?
He refused to use RBAR!
BWAAA-HAAAAA-HAAA!!!! Blew a pork chop bone out of my nose on that one! Too funny! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! 😀

Told ya he'd start CURSOR-ing ... !!!

Steve (aka sgmunson) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Rent Servers for Income (picks and shovels strategy)

below86 SSChampion Points: 11550 More actions · Answer 4

Jeff Moden - Friday, April 6, 2018 1:54 PM
below86 - Friday, April 6, 2018 9:43 AM
Do you know why Jeff had to get out of the construction business?
He refused to use RBAR!
BWAAA-HAAAAA-HAAA!!!! Blew a pork chop bone out of my nose on that one! Too funny! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! 😀

I was going to say: Do you know why Jeff's house fell down? He told them not to use any RBAR in the foundation.

-------------------------------------------------------------
we travel not to escape life but for life not to escape us
Don't fear failure, fear regret.

Jeff Moden SSC Guru Points: 1004412 More actions · Answer 5

sgmunson - Friday, April 6, 2018 1:57 PM
Jeff Moden - Friday, April 6, 2018 1:54 PM
below86 - Friday, April 6, 2018 9:43 AM
Do you know why Jeff had to get out of the construction business?
He refused to use RBAR!
BWAAA-HAAAAA-HAAA!!!! Blew a pork chop bone out of my nose on that one! Too funny! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! 😀
Told ya he'd start CURSOR-ing ... !!!

Heh... nah... just boning up for the next round o' jokes. 🙂

--Jeff Moden

RBAR is pronounced "ree-bar" and is a "Modenism" for Row-By-Agonizing-Row.
First step towards the paradigm shift of writing Set Based code:
________Stop thinking about what you want to do to a ROW... think, instead, of what you want to do to a COLUMN.

Change is inevitable... Change for the better is not.

Helpful Links:
How to post code problems
How to Post Performance Problems
Create a Tally Function (fnTally)

sgmunson SSC Guru Points: 110640 More actions · Answer 6

Jeff Moden - Friday, April 6, 2018 2:06 PM
sgmunson - Friday, April 6, 2018 1:57 PM
Jeff Moden - Friday, April 6, 2018 1:54 PM
below86 - Friday, April 6, 2018 9:43 AM
Do you know why Jeff had to get out of the construction business?
He refused to use RBAR!
BWAAA-HAAAAA-HAAA!!!! Blew a pork chop bone out of my nose on that one! Too funny! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! 😀
Told ya he'd start CURSOR-ing ... !!!
Heh... nah... just boning up for the next round o' jokes. 🙂

Okay ..., a CURSORy glance, then? <<guffaw, ha-ha, tee-hee, tee-hee>> :hehe::hehe::hehe:

Steve (aka sgmunson) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Rent Servers for Income (picks and shovels strategy)

Luis Cazares SSC Guru Points: 183706 More actions · Answer 7

- Master, why am I not good at SQL?
- Have you seen the sunset from the mountain?
- Yes, master
- Have you seen a bird soaring the skyes?
- Yes, master
- Have you admired the moon and the stars in a clear night?
- Yes, master
- Have you noticed? You keep distracting yourself with nonsense instead of learning and practicing.

Luis C.
General Disclaimer:
Are you seriously taking the advice and code from someone from the internet without testing it? Do you at least understand it? Or can it easily kill your server?

How to post data/code on a forum to get the best help: Option 1 / Option 2

sgmunson SSC Guru Points: 110640 More actions · Answer 8

Why did the devlopers program have 10 syntax errors?

He couldn't C-sharp!

Why did the Access database at the VA hospital have problems?

Because the developer kept trying to B the VA, instead of using VBA.

Steve (aka sgmunson) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Rent Servers for Income (picks and shovels strategy)

sgmunson SSC Guru Points: 110640 More actions · Answer 9

Why aren't there any more SQL jokes in this thread?

Because:SELECT JokeText FROM SQLJokes.dbo.JokesTable AS JT INNER JOIN SQLJokes.dbo.LaughterQuality AS LQ ON JT.LaughterQualityID = LQ.LaughterQualityID WHERE JT.IsFunny = 1 ORDER BY LQ.LaughterQualityIndicator DESC;
returns 0 rows.

Steve (aka sgmunson) 🙂 🙂 🙂
Rent Servers for Income (picks and shovels strategy)

below86 SSChampion Points: 11550 More actions · Answer 10

What do you get when you cross a shark with a porcupine? A SQL(sea quill). Or SQL BITeS

-------------------------------------------------------------
we travel not to escape life but for life not to escape us
Don't fear failure, fear regret.

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 11

Why is it that women find C to be more attractive than Java?
Because C doesn’t treat them like objects.

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 12

What do you call it when a programmer throws up at IHOP?
A stack overflow.

TitusCrews SSC Eights! Points: 898 More actions · Answer 13

Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

Jeff Moden SSC Guru Points: 1004412 More actions · Answer 14

Why did the DBA get hit by a car? He didn't know how to back up.

--Jeff Moden

RBAR is pronounced "ree-bar" and is a "Modenism" for Row-By-Agonizing-Row.
First step towards the paradigm shift of writing Set Based code:
________Stop thinking about what you want to do to a ROW... think, instead, of what you want to do to a COLUMN.

Change is inevitable... Change for the better is not.

Helpful Links:
How to post code problems
How to Post Performance Problems
Create a Tally Function (fnTally)

below86 SSChampion Points: 11550 More actions · Answer 15

A DBA walks into a restaurant, then runs screaming from the building. Why? All of the tables were empty.

-------------------------------------------------------------
we travel not to escape life but for life not to escape us
Don't fear failure, fear regret.