Does the Tone matter?

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Does the Tone matter?

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Peter Schott SSCrazy Eights Points: 9675 More actions · Answer 1

I'll agree with the general "tone matters" comments. If someone sets the sort of tone that your thoughts/input aren't wanted, that tends to leave to no thoughts being expressed. I worked with one developer who was "always right" to the point that when it was his turn to show his work, the room was silent until he was done and left. Then we started talking about the good/bad/ugly. It got to the point where nobody really wanted to work with him because you couldn't point out areas where he was obviously wrong - like taking away functionality used by the customers because it was "cleaner".

On the other hand, I've seen some people go off on irrelevant paths where they had to be stopped. In most cases, that can still be done politely, but if it's been a pattern of that person talking on irrelevant issues, it may need a more terse intervention. I know one PM who gave a 10 minute "update" where nothing was said. The person who organized the meeting called him on it and said he couldn't talk at all during the next meeting. (this was a pattern for said the PM) I've also read tales of people going into a meeting about Tech A when they had a personal agenda of using Tech XYZ instead. Again, that might need to be shut down sooner rather than derail the meeting with tangents.

On the whole, I think you can manage interactions with courtesy and it should be the norm, not the exception. I'm pretty happy that the SQL community by and large is comprised of people who show that professional courtesy.

Jeff Mlakar SSCrazy Points: 2879 More actions · Answer 2

Tone matters in the sense that sometimes the way the message is communicated is just as important or more important than the content of the message itself. Also depends on your audience. Some people are going to be very sensitive to blunt talk and any speech / writing without courtesy - others seem to perform better that way. Personally I have become a lot better at growing thick skin than I was years ago.

The overarching principle here is "respect". That's what needs to come through at the end of the day.

Eric M Russell SSC Guru Points: 125561 More actions · Answer 3

You shouldn't "shush" someone unless they are saying something so inappropriate there is a need to cut them off in mid sentence to prevent them from speaking further. For example, if someone is openly bad mouthing another team member or management, and you're concerned about mitigating any potential damage that may occur if others in the office are listening. In that case, then maybe shush them, but let them know you're open to continuing the conversation elsewhere. However, that doesn't apply when someone is reasonably expressing their opinion about some aspect of the project during a meeting.

"Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Instead, seek what they sought." - Matsuo Basho

GeorgeCopeland SSCertifiable Points: 6997 More actions · Answer 4

Keeping the project team on task is a critical management skill, some are better at it than others. When the project manager is attempting to focus the meeting, I try to cooperate.

Rod at work SSC-Dedicated Points: 34010 More actions · Answer 5

Rod at work - Tuesday, May 15, 2018 8:46 AM
I've worked for project managers and supervisors who treated others and myself rudely. I've never liked seeing others treated rudely, nor have I liked being treated rudely.

I'd like to make it clear that fortunately, I do not work for a supervisor who behaves that way. My current boss treats me and all others under him, with respect. I'm thankful for that.

Kindest Regards, Rod Connect with me on LinkedIn.

sqlstad SSCrazy Points: 2484 More actions · Answer 6

I think tone is very important.
Maybe the project manager tried to correct the person before and is very stubborn to accept criticism. I don't know the person or the situation that good but shushing anyone is not acceptable.
A better solution would be to ask the person to meet up after the meeting and discuss his/her point in more detail without the other members of the team wasting time in a meeting.

On the other, and maybe it's the company culture that's in The Netherlands, I would not accept anyone shushing me.
I'm not one of those people who would go on and on about a subject to proof a point. As I said, if my point was taking too much time or it was not relevant to the meeting I would try to discuss it outside of that meeting.

I've worked with very good and very bad project managers. The bad ones tend to be very blunt and only care about the project being on time and not consider the thoughts of the project team.

GeorgeCopeland SSCertifiable Points: 6997 More actions · Answer 7

sqlstad - Thursday, May 17, 2018 3:35 AM
I've worked with very good and very bad project managers. The bad ones tend to be very blunt and only care about the project being on time and not consider the thoughts of the project team.

So the good ones tend to talk a lot about thoughts and don't care about the project being on time.

sqlstad SSCrazy Points: 2484 More actions · Answer 8

GeorgeCopeland - Thursday, May 17, 2018 6:31 AM
sqlstad - Thursday, May 17, 2018 3:35 AM
I've worked with very good and very bad project managers. The bad ones tend to be very blunt and only care about the project being on time and not consider the thoughts of the project team.
So the good ones tend to talk a lot about thoughts and don't care about the project being on time.

No that's not what I'm saying. There are a lot of project managers that should listen to the project members and not just think about their reputation about being on time with the project.
As an example, I've had a pretty tough discussion with a project manager wanting to deliver a database in time that clearly was not ready.
After telling him multiple times during and outside of meetings he still pushed the project to production. In fact, he shushed me during a meeting.
The result was that we, the dba team, had a badly written database that caused a lot of issues in production and because it was no longer a project we had to deal with it. Instead of fixing the issues within the project, customers couldn't be helped and in fact the product was not workable.

That's what I mean with "you have bad project managers that should listen to their project members and care less about their deadline".

GeorgeCopeland SSCertifiable Points: 6997 More actions · Answer 9

The topic is Does the Tone matter, of course it does. However, putting your own feelings above the success of the project is not a good strategy for success.

Flipz SSC Veteran Points: 243 More actions · Answer 10

russ mulvaney - Tuesday, May 15, 2018 5:00 AM
It seems folks have become rather thin skinned in the last couple of decades.
Did your Ma never tell you about "sticks and stones"?

Completely disagree with this outlook... It requires a much thicker skin to stand up and object to being treated disrespectfully (especially by a superior). I would argue that the "thin skinned" are the ones that sit there and just take the disrespectful behaviour and don't say a word...

HappyGeek SSCoach Points: 18729 More actions · Answer 11

RonKyle - Tuesday, May 15, 2018 7:16 AM
"How you say something is often more important than what you are saying." Don't know who said that, but very true. I worked with a consultant who didn't think that it mattered and was often rude to me and many others. Yet somehow expected people to be careful how they talked with him. A key reason for my leaving.

+100 Tone matters, tone normally goes hand in hand with attitude, it can demotivate, demoralise and demean the recipient, consultants can be arrogant possessive and at the same time persuasive to higher management. I didn't get the opportunity to resign, the company went bust and was bought up. The consultant effectively tan the company into the ground, fortunately his company were consultants to the purchasing company; redundancy followed.

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