Chivalry and Honor
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Thanks for focusing on this topic. Just two thoughts: Woman should ensure that they are not one of the last to leave if they do not know the group well. Men who accompany woman to ensure their safety should, as you also say, where humanly possible take someone else along so that they do not find themselves in compromising situations as not all woman are ladies.
There is a very easy way for both men and woman to 'do the right thing' when away from home. Always ask yourself 1) Would I do this if my partner was here? and 2) Would my partner agree with me being in this situation? If any of the two answers is no then stop and leave.
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Well put. As another woman in IT, I concur. I love knowing that there are gentlemen in my workplace who look out for others, be they male or female.
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Thanks for the great editorial, Steve! It is a shame that a few rotten eggs can spoil the whole basket. However, it is reassuring to know that there are a lot of good eggs (like you) out that there that do have respect and are ready to help if needed. Thanks for spreading the word.
Have a good day,Norene Malaney
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Thanks and I doubt my friend is reading, but I'm glad I appeared to reach a few others.
Good ideas above and I'll add my favorite. If someone grabs you and leans in too close, meaning close, a forehead to the nose will usually allow you the opportunity to leave. It's a serious move, but if you are threatened or grabbed, it will usually work.
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In most of my workplace, even I am the 'only' woman in the IT department. I was treated liked one of the guy, no special treatment.
As for special conference, I never drink, I usually leave early.
No matter where I am, I find out the only person that can protect me is myself. I don't count on any co-workers or anyone.
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Great editorial, Steve!
I think James here though brings on a great point about how many men don't understand simple friendships between men and women. I'm very lucky in that my husband understands those - if he didn't, I'd be in serious trouble. Working in a male-dominated field and playing computer games in a male-dominated realm, most of my friends tend to be men. These are guys who understand the friendship concept and who have appreciated having a woman's perspective on things. From relationship questions to random banter, these guys are a lot of fun and are great to hang out with. For me, if I ever need another guy's perspective, I have plenty of friends to go to. And they come to me with their significant other issues. And my guy friends all know my husband and get along well with him as well. And I know most of their girlfriends/wives and do what I can to get along with them too. So it really works! Some people don't understand that men and women can be just friends and nothing more.
As much as the guys need to look out for us in situations, we women also need to let these guys know how much we appreciate them looking out for us. They may go the distance to make sure we feel safe walking to our car and they may deal with other guys who may be harassing us. Sometimes, a simple "thank you" goes a long way.
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Having been in a female working in male-dominated enviroments since I graduated from college (first military then IT), if this happens to you, you realy should consider putting this individual in their place. You definitely have my permission to deck anyone who does that. While I have never been in that situation, I have seen the results of this action, and it is quite sensational. I don't believe that man ever did that again! And, knowing this, I would at the very least slap the hand and indicate that this inappropriate behaviour will not be tolerated in the least.
My $.02
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Aho, Steve!
What you said was important to say, and I admire your courage to say it.
Michael
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Well D'OH!
Apparently a lot of men were not raised properly by their Moms on how to treat a lady and had poor examples on how to be a man from their Father.
I had both and have escorted ladies to their car or room before without incident.
Of course being 6' 5" and not made of skin and bone doesn't hurt either.
The only problem I have is when I tell my wife (and I make sure I tell her less any other story gets to her first) is earlier in our marriage when I told her, she would only key in on the words women, escort and hotel room!
She knows me better now and or just doesn't care anymore...
And, as some women should also learn , I just don't go into places like bars anymore where that problem can be expected. Even if it is work related, don't go and suggest to meet elsewhere.
Real men won't mind.
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Steve,
Nice article I try not to be left with strangers because I am very feminine which pervs can misconstrue, in meetings or conferences if I am there late I stick very close to a man I can trust whom I know is decent, if there is none I avoid drinks and I always very leave early.
Kind regards,
Gift Peddie -
The proper response? Rip off the offender's arm and beat him with the bloody stump...
Seriously, as a long-time card-carrying SCA member, I know a thing or three about honor and chivalry, and anyone I witnessed behaving in such a manner would have corrective measures applied in such a way as to remove any uncertainty about the propriety of their actions. There's simply no place for that in a professional setting.
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This reminds me of an incident in college which occurred during a period of time when the campus was being plagued by a series of rapes. Driving through the quiet, empty campus very late one night to pick up my thesis-preparing grad student girlfriend (now wife) from her office, I saw a couple standing on a corner. Something just struck me as odd. Looking in the rearview mirror as I passed them, I saw him grab her arm and throw her down a slight incline out of sight, with him following her.
My adrenaline shot through the roof. I spun the car around, screeching tires and all, and accelerated back to where they were. Jamming on the brakes, I ran over to them and saw them both walking back up the incline to the sidewalk. She seemed OK. He and I got into a very heated nose-to-nose shouting match with me asking him none-too-nicely what the ..... he was doing. Meanwhile she was standing nearby looking a bit embarrassed but also smiling in a friendly, appreciative kind of way, apparently since she knew why I was doing what I did. He and I almost came to blows but it turned out they were just fooling around.
So even though it was not a real rape attempt, and even though she was embarrassed by the whole thing, she genuinely appreciated my 'intervention' and said so, albeit a bit sheepishly as I was leaving. So men, even if you turn out to be as "wrong" as I was about a potential situation, you still can hardly go wrong by erring on the side of safety.
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One would think that this type of incident should be a thing of the past but the reality is that society sends a lot of mixed messages. The entertainment industry bombards us with images and social situations that are pure fantasy. Unfortunately, some people, especially when drunk, don't have a clear view of what is acceptable in the real world and what is a Hollywood creation.
The best thing to do in a situation like this, is to take control of the situation. State in no uncertain terms that the behavior is unacceptable and further actions will not be tolerated. If the behavior persists, do whatever it takes to get the message across including hitting the individual. The best defense though is to try to prevent a situation from arising if possible. Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to be alone with someone you don't know and trust. Having a guy like Steve around can prevent a situation like this from ever happening. Conveying that you are not an easy victim in your words and deeds will thwart all but the most aggressive jerks as well. Having a few nice guys to step in can be invaluable in those scenarios.
Karen Gayda
MCP, MCSD, MCDBA
gaydaware.com -
Better to have two Steve's and let them watch each other.
And if anyone needs an escort at a conference, grab myself, Andy, Brian, or one of our well known authors that post here often. I'm sure any of us would happy to watch out for you.
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