In The Counter Offer - Part 1 I wrote about the mental game of being ready for a counter offer. I wanted to write a follow up to it because it’s an emotional issue far more than an intellectual one. Emotions confuse us when it comes to job decisions because we think it’s supposed to be an intellectual decision. Spock might choose a job purely based deciding which has the best benefit package, but the rest of us factor in the commute, the hours, the team, the culture, how well the health plan works, and what we think will make us the happiest.

Let’s start with a real downer. You don’t get a counter offer. This feels like a slap in the face, especially if you know that others have received counter offers. It could be that your manager has no room to maneuver on money (or whatever else you need) due to budget caps or a spending freeze. It might be that your manager thinks that they are paying the maximum salary that is reasonable for the job you do, or it could be that they are just as glad to see you go. They may or may not tell you why. It is human nature to infer a reason if they don’t. Think on this – why do you feel bad about the situation given that you decided to leave them?

Next is another potential downer: the feeling that you’re being disloyal by moving on. It’s interesting to watch people struggle to have that “I’m moving on conversation,” and I’m convinced it’s because they feel bad about abandoning the tribe far more than anything else. It’s useful to remember that you’re a member of two tribes, one at work and one at home, and taking care of the one at home is the most important thing you do. There’s no reason to feel like you’re being disloyal by making a decision about where you work.

You can see this one coming. You decide to take the counter offer and now you feel like you’ve used and betrayed the new employer. Assuming you went into it with good intentions (not to just gain leverage) why does that make sense? If they had a great employee about to leave you can bet they would make them a counter offer. Over simplifying a little, your goal is to maximize your value in the market. Shouldn’t you be jumping up and down that this little dance has resulted in two companies deciding you’re worth more than you were yesterday?

There is one happy path. You wanted a new job, you got a better package, and you’re excited to be starting something new. Worth considering is that taking that path is much easier if you decide about counter offers before you start looking!

Staying or going isn’t about loyalty, it’s about what is best for you and you can measure that in any way you want – money, vacation, or anything else. Stay with a company while your interests are aligned, have a conversation if those interests start to diverge, and move on when it’s time. Do it professionally of course, but don’t avoid making a change just out of loyalty.