Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, depression, bipolar, mania
If you would prefer to stick to all the positives skip to the numbered list at the bottom.
I started the year as I did well the last 10 years oh so with my life plan up to date and goals all set. But then I also got an upper repository infection and I was battling a new wave of migraines (well a contact migraine since the beginning of November and waiting to see a neurologist) and started having ringing in my ears. Not sure which of these is the worse. But then it gets better, either the steroids I was taking for the upper respiratory infection and stopping taking a med to see if it could fix the ringing in the ears on the combo of the two spun me into a mania state with my bipolar. Me being the good bipolar patient was enjoying the mania a bit and delayed calling the doctor and I sunk into a quasi-mania/depressed/suicidal state.
Now the real fun begins work had been a big stressor and some more stress from work had been added on with some announcements of some changes and found me walking across a familiar bridge from 2018. A took a couple of passes on the bridge then went and sat down on the bench to think after the announcement at work then drove back home. Over the next week, I couldn’t get my suicidal thoughts to stop and I had just broken the docs rule of never going to the bridge and eventually called the doc after driving most of my friends crazy and ended up driving myself to and checking myself into the psych hospital. I ended up out of work for eight weeks. But this has proved to be the best thing that has happened to me. Let’s explain.
I have had suicidal thoughts basically all the time since I was 16. It has always just been a matter of rather I intend to act on them. Seriously there weren’t many days that went by where I didn’t think of dying which for the longest time I thought was normal. Like I thought everyone had some thoughts of dying all the time. Well, the doctor started a new treatment that is pretty intense medication-wise after the hospital and a long process with the insurance company and after three treatments the thoughts left. If I even try to think them, I can physically feel my brain going nope. Now I get the treatment every 10 days now and I can’t drive after it or make major life decisions that day but the thoughts are magically gone. The only downside is those thoughts were like a friend to me that brought me comfort and I’m working on not thinking of them that way, they need to have a funeral or something so they can be released.
Now, how has the year been without these thoughts after getting past this, let’s see if we can do this in honor of the 12 days of Christmas here are 12 gifts I have received again as we did in 2019 and 2020 (see I was so sick the end of last year I didn’t do this).
- My suicidal thoughts have been vanquished due to my new treatment and hopefully, that means I can be more productive as I get used to not having them.
- I had the pleasure of speaking at PASS Summit for the sixth year in a row and on dbachecks. I got great reviews, my best ever for a technical presentation at Summit. I trimmed down my presentations last year to concentrate on my volunteer work and mental health. I am presenting at SQLBits at a new mental health session so stay tuned for that one.
- Well, I’ve volunteered with 14 wonderful foster children during this past year. Three of which I’ve had the honor of watching get adopted into their forever families. I’m honored to have earned their trust and hugs every month when I got to see them and the fact they want to spend time with me. Right now I’m volunteering for 11 at the moment and it does take up quite a bit of my free time.
- I have the honor of starting to mentor a new speaker who I know will make a splash, She knows who she is. I’m also working on another mentoring project so stay tuned for that.
- I scored a new less stressful job that I like. And it has no on-call, my first time since I was 19 years old which is a long time ago. I really enjoy my colleagues. There is a lot to do for a small number of people of instances but that is the challenging part.
- I got rewarded with the MVP award which is always an honor.
- I accepted to join the board of two charities so I can try to make a difference in some other areas in the community: Foster Family Alliance NC and Youth Lead NC. As well as I was renewed for my second term on the PAIMI Council for the DRNC.
- I was named one of the top 100 most influential people in the database community in 2022 by RedGate.
- While I haven’t accomplished a single one of my goals this year and I feel like I’ve just floated along this year, I’ve learned to just take it easy for a little bit, and that in itself is a gift.
- Despite being out of work for so long I was fortunate enough to be financially secure enough to be able to afford it.
- #SQLFamily has been a tremendous rock in the life of people that I can count on. They were there for me when I was out of work and I was calling several of them from the hospital. They were helping me get back my sanity and making sure I didn’t feel like a screwup. (Yes, this is a repeat from 2020 but still applies)
- And nothing beats having a friend’s house that you go to and sit on the couch and just drink even if it’s across the country. I’ve needed a retreat a couple of times this year.
Despite the difficult year I would like to encourage everyone to look for the gifts they have in life no matter how small they are.
The post T-SQL Tuesday #121: Gifts received for this year Redux 2022 Edition first appeared on Tracy Boggiano's Blog.