Are you a DBA? You might Be!

On Twitter, people do a lot more than gossip and post messages about mundane, trivial tasks. As DBA’s, we help people having problems (#sqlhelp), we have in-depth discussions, we promote upcoming events (#sqlpass, #sqlsat43, #sqlcruise, etc.), we share our collective knowledge (#tsql2sday), and we learn from other experts (@PaulRandal, @KimberlyLTripp, @SQLCat, @AdamMachanic, @BuckWoody, @Brento, etc.). We also have some fun. The fun stuff is liable to break out at any time (especially if @PaulRandal is bored), but Friday seems to be the day when it happens most often. Friday fun generally involves a unique hash tag to make following the replies that pour in easier. The hash tag this past Friday was #youmightbeaDBA.

The posts were written in the same vain as comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s “you might be a redneck” jokes. Hilarity ensued!! So if these apply to you, you might be a DBA too!!

@BuckWoody posted many of the entries on his blog at http://blogs.msdn.com/b/buckwoody/archive/2010/05/29/you-might-be-a-dba.aspx. I won’t repeat the other entries, but I’ll list all of my entries below. And for reference, you can find me on Twitter as well: @SQLSoldier.

• You think AC/DC's lyrics to Dirty Deeds would make a suiting job description for what you do. (added 6/1/2010)

• You take a server with you when you quit your job in case they refuse to cash out your unused vacation time.

• You leave a blind date stranded at the restaurant after she comments that she prefers MySQL.

• After a big migration, you drive to the data center and unplug the old server just to watch it die. (note: I was channeling Johnny Cash when I wrote this one)

• You hear a rumor that the company is going to have a big layoff so you encrypt the databases to ensure that your job is safe

• Your boss gives you a 20% raise right before announcing to the company that everyone has to take a 10% paycut.

• You wear headphones so you can pretend not to hear coworkers that try to talk to you in the hallway.

• You've threatened to replace a developer with a script if he doesn't go away ... and he goes away.

• You talk the team into delaying a release because they scheduled it for the same day as your monthly poker game.

• The auto mechanic quotes you a price for a repair, and you ask him if that's per cylinder or per driver.

• You wear t-shirts with logos of 3rd party app's that you've never used before.

• You've spent all night Valentines Day upgrading the SQL Servers and forgot to tell your wife you'd be working late.

• A chill runs down your spine when someone asks what the shortcut is for "Undo" in SSMS because Cntrl+Z isn't working.

• You're flattered when someone calls you a geek.

• An interviewer asks you if you have any certifications, and it takes 20 minutes to list them all.

• You roll your eyes when you see a job posting requiring MCDBA certification in SQL 2005.

• Your manager borrows lunch money from you because your salary is 30% higher than his.

• You think "intellisense" is a double negative because it's not intelligent nor makes sense.

• 75% of the emails you receive at home have the phrase "now following you on Twitter!" in the subject line.

• You petition Ken Burns to remake Office Space because it should have been 18 hours long.

• You select a candidate for a Jr DBA position because his resume said he's willing to get your coffee.

• Somebody misquotes @PaulRandall and you call him on your cell to verify.

• You wish the elevator in your building was slower because it's the last time you'll be left alone all day.

• The developers sacrifice small animals before giving you their code for review.

• Developers bring you coffee and a BLT when you review their code.

• You can get out of any family get-together by saying you have to work and nobody questions it.

• You've requested a HP Superdome for you "test" box.

• A dev. asks if you've heard about some great new feature in SQL and you show the 16 blog posts you wrote on it ... last year

• Your dev team is still testing SQL 2008 and you're already planning for SQL 11.

• The new CEO asks you to justify your salary, so you go on vacation for 2 weeks. And he never questions you again.

• You use a cell phone service coverage map to plan your next vacation.

• You come in to work at 7 AM because it gives you at least 3 hours without any developers around.

•  You figure out a way to make take your wife on a cruise and deduct it as a business expense.

• You name your cat SQLDog because the name @SQLCat was already taken.

• You rate your blog posts based on the number of retweets you get.

• You disable random logins just to mess with people.

• You fall for the pickup line, "Hey baby, what's your collation?"

• You can blame an outage on anyone in the company because you're the only one that knows how to find out what really happened

• Your leave work early because your internet connection to the data center is better at home

• You cheer when Milton burns down the company in Office Space

• Your think the 4 food groups are coffee, bacon, fast food, and Mountain Dew.

• You tell someone your job title and they ask "What?" You describe it and they ask "What?". So you say "computer geek".

• The #1 referrer to your blog is Twitter.com.

• Your idea of a good time on a Saturday involves free training. #sqlsat43

• You write a book that all of your co-workers have and none have read it.

• You write a book that sells a couple thousand copies and is heralded a best seller.

• No matter how sick you are, you go to work if it's time to pass the pager on to the next guy.

• You go out on the town, and strangers walk up to you and say, "Hey you're that SQL guy"

• Your wife asks you to fix something, and you request a downtime window.

• Your best pickup line, "Hey baby, what's your collation?"

• Your wife asks when you'll be home, and you tell her that you wish you knew.

• You list TSQL as your native language on the 2010 census.

• Starbucks' stock price drops every time you go on vacation.

• You're happy when the web master says that the website is down.

• You know that @BuckWoody is not someone's porno name.

• You get mad when someone calls your car a "heap" because you've always considered it to be a "clustered index".

• Your blog has more hits than your company's website.

• You systematically remove the asterisk key from all keyboards in the company except yours.

• When asked if you recycle, you reply that you run sp_cycle_errorlog every night at midnight.

• You wouldn't allow someone named @AdamMachanic to work on your car.

• You switch offices every 3 days to avoid developers.

• PSS has your number on speed dial.

• You frown when you they tell Neo that he's going to the Oracle.