agnosthesia – n. the state of now knowing how you really feel about something, which forces you to sift through clues hidden in your own behavior, as if you were some other person – noticing a twist of acid in your voice, an obscene amount of effort you put into something trifling, or an inexplicable weight on your shoulders that makes it difficult to get out of bed..
There are a lot of times I’m not sure how I really feel about something. Whether it’s something in the state of the world (politics, government, culture), or it’s a technical item. There are many cases where I’m just not sure. I have to stop and think outside myself, and often think about how I would react if things were structured one way vs. another.
In the tech world, I’ve often been a little uncomfortable with EULAs and software licensing, but I also don’t quite know if I would abandon most copyright/IP/patent/ etc. I’m not sure if I think the world (or my life/career) would be better or worse.
Sometimes it’s smaller, like the way someone else tries to teach me a topic or present an idea, or perhaps the way that an event is organized. I don’t pretend that I know better, and try to remember that I might go about the item/task/etc. differently, but I don’t know if I would. It’s easy to react, and much harder to make decisions and act without the benefit of hindsight.
I do use agnothesia, trying to step outside of my own emotions and feelings and look at what a situation or idea changes in me, as if I’m studying myself. I don’t often come to any resolution or learn anything, but it helps me to remember I’m just one person, part of a larger community and society, and life can be hard when you don’t have all the answers.
Or as I feel, many at all.
From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows