9 Types of Computer Users

1. El Explicito:
   "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked,

   ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages: Provides

   interesting communication challanges.
   Disadvantages: So do

   chimps.
   Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
   Real

   Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I

   can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his

   belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."

2. Mad Bomber:
   "Well, I hit Alt-f6, shift-f8, Cntrl-f10, f4,

   and f9, and now it looks all weird."
Advantages: Will try to

   find own solution to problems.
   Disadvantages: User might have

   translated document to Navajo without meaning to.
   Symptoms: More than

   six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in WordPerfect
   Real

   Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was

   underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset

   underline more than fifty times in his document.

3. Frying Pan/Fire Tactician:
   "It didn't work with the data set

   we had, so I fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime

   pie."
Advantages: Will usually fix

   error.
   Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely

   here.
   Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of

   fixing them.
   Real Case: One user complained that their program

   executed, but didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes

   before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well,

   that was the only way I could get it to compile."

4. Shaman:
   "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were

   thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did

   compile."
Advantages: Gives insight into primative

   mythology.
   Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology

   majors.
   Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent

   objects.
   Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of

   their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I

   suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information

   went *somewhere*, they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different

   disks for the missing information.

5. X-user:
   "Will you look at those...um, that resolution, quite

   impressive, really."
Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in

   graphics technology.
   Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use

   the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
   Symptoms: Fuzzy hands,

   blindness
   Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front

   of me at DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my

   laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like

   they were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log

   in.

6. Miracle Worker:
   "But it read a file from it yesterday!"

   'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.' "But I did

   that a month ago, and it read a file from it

   yesterday!"
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you

   aren't around.
   Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use

   the word "horse-puckey".
   Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible

   when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
   Real Case:

   At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM WordPerfect from

   Macintosh disks.

7. Taskmaster:
   "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know

   how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it

   onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column

   format?"
Advantages: Bold new

   challanges.
   Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage

   collector.
   Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to

   make machines do things they don't want to do.
   Real Case: One user

   tried to get a scon to find out what another person's E-mail address was even

   though the user didn't know his target's home system, account name, or real

   name.

8. Maestro:
   "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged

   on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that

   I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this,

   and after that I picked my nose, like this..."
Advantages:

   Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an

   error.
   Disadvantages: For as long as five or six

   hours.
   Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right,

   okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm

   getting to that."
   Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking

   over a user's shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself

   and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87

   copies of the same thing).

9. Princess:
   "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like

   reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling

   bin?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for

   your service.
   Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to

   other people on this planet.
   Symptoms: Inability to communicate except

   by complaining.
   Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of

   the day because he (the user) didn't like it.

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