Chivalry and Honor
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A bit of a social departure from technical editorials today. First a note to all the men out there reading this: I'm giving you a job.
If you're out at a conference, some work event, or even just meeting friends for happy hour, softball, or any event, remember to take care of the women with you. Especially at night. And by taking care I mean be sure they aren't harassed, they get walked to their car or room or door, preferably by two of you, and they feel safe and respected by you.
OK, now I'm sure a few women are upset with me for implying they need protection, but I've got a reason. I know you can take care of yourselves, you're professionals and you are equal to men. You are, I believe that, but equal is not same, and asking for help is not a sign of weakness.
This may get long, so stick with me because I think this is important. I had a friend attend a corporate event awhile back. It was an event with lots of customers over a few days and most people had traveled to get there. There were a number of events, including social events after the main presentations and seminars including dinner. As is the case with IT, and many other industries, the attendees were primarily male.
One night my friend, who is female, was hanging around with some co-workers and others having dinner and drinks. People started to drift away over time and eventually there were just three people left, my friend and two men. One of the men put his arm on her back and actually reached under the rear of her shirt. She was shocked and wasn't sure how to handle things and recoiled a little. Luckily someone else walked up and the man removed his hand. Someone also pulled away the offender, who had had a bit too much to drink, and allowed her to return to her room. She came away very upset at the situation and has confided in a few friends, but is unsure of what to do.
Work can be hard on women. I know it's hard on men too, but it's hard on women in ways men can't perceive. We're different from each other and relationships get in the way sometimes of our abilities to work together.
So I'm asking that as gentlemen, as men that are responsible, professional, and respectful of women, to look out for women and ensure they feel safe and are safe. If you have any doubts about your female co-worker's safety, ask them. Don't assume you're interrupting something. Better you interrupt than ignore a harmful situation.
No means no. If a woman says no or stop, or any variation, then back off.
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I am a female in IT and this happened to me at a symposium too. Only it wasn't under my shirt; it was on my thigh. I also did not know how to handle it very well and just recoiled a bit, and sat closer to the person on the other side of me who was much more well-mannered.
And I don't think your position in any way belittles women. I share it completely.
Thank you.
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And here's what else about what happened. I was wearing my wedding ring. I didn't have on any sexy clothes - a bulky sweater and some flowery jeans if I remember. Very girly but certainly not "come hither". I was caught completely off guard. The guy wasn't even drunk. So it was very surprising.
I got the idea that some of the men liked to go to these things as a legitimate way to be away from their wives, so they could cheat on them. Like it was one of the goals of going in the first place. I will emphasize the word "some". I really don't want to offend those of you who are not like that.
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It was refreshing and encouraging to read your Editorial, Steve. I am a woman who has worked in male-dominated environments for over 20 years (no complaints), and I completly share your perspectives on both a professional and personal level.
I'm glad you departed from the technical editorial to share this view point.
Linda
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I completely agree with Steve. And women: remember that the elbows are the hardest part of the body. And the nose is one of the most sensibles
Ok, perhaps hit someone's nose is not a good idea at all, but in certain circumstances at least will let you have the attention of other persons at that very moment and luckiliy somebody will help you manage the situation. Don't hesitate in yelling, hitting, scratching or doing whatever you feel you need to do in order to stop the situation. I know is easier said than done, but just don't freeze.
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Amen, Steve. Thanks for breathing life into an oft unspoken sentiment. We should always care for our professional peers, regardless of sex. Beyond chivalry, common courtesy has mostly gone by the wayside and it was a breath of fresh air to read your commentary.
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Thank you Steve for caring! A lot of men think equality means not having to help a woman who is in an uncomfortable or even dangerous situation. I have been in a male dominated work place/industry all of my working life but fortunately for me a lot of the men have had a similar attitude to yours.
Cheers!
Nicole Bowman
Nothing is forever.
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Very good editorial! We all need to look out for the safety of each other, otherwise no-one is safe. I would rather be embarrassed by asking someone if they are OK than realising I ignored what amounted to assault.
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Steve,
Thanks for the editorial! I believe you hit on something that most people (especially media outlets) do not touch on, the need for men to be real MEN! If more men were, things like what happened to your friend would be very much diminished. As well, items pointed out in this Salon.com article would not continue unabated as they have.
http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2007/03/07/women_in_military/print.html
Isaac
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100% agreement with everything you said and thank you for saying it. Situational awareness has to extend past one's self. If something looks bad, it probably is. Do something about it.
Ladies, I help teach self-defense and I can share a few basic tips. First, don't hesitate to appear rude if it will make you safer. Second, if you think something is odd or weird, treat it as if it were real and dangerous, don't dismiss it. Third, crime scene one might be bad, but crime scene two will be worse, don't ever go anywhere with anyone under duress. Last, eyes & groin, elbows & knees, you can't grow muscles (or fat) to protect the first two and the second two are your most powerful weapons.
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Here I go... Off track again a little maybe, but GREAT editorial and it needs to be said more rather than less often!
My 2 cents concerns the differences between our two Jack Russell puppies. The male is aggressive and acts much tougher than the female when confronting a new social interaction. The female will cower and lay down and expose her belly when approached by me or my wife if she is unsure of the situation. If she understands what's happening she just sits there and waits for a little attention or whatever is appropriate for the moment.
However, if you observe the two pups in all social interactions with people or other animals, the male is the real wimp and runs away from the scene, while the female has better social skills and gets along with everyone much better:-)
If provoked by the male, the female will kick his rear end, and has the intelligence to pull his chain more often than not when she is trying to control the situation.
Uh... I forget, was I talking about my puppies or me and my wife???
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Good on you Steve, for providing a reminder of how all men should have been brought up to behave in the first place. Our coarsened and hyper-sexualized culture, exacerbated in the IT community by the preponderance of lascivious online content, can make it a challenge for some to conduct themselves in a manner free of the distortions of fantasy. As has been posted previously by our lady colleagues, suggestive attire is not a prerogative to lecherous conduct- there is a carryover effect from those in our gender with 'bordello eyes'.
Both of my daughters attend martial arts training for this very reason, and while I am glad they are being groomed to defend their own honor, I am sad that there exists a necessity for them to do so. Hopefully more true gentlemen will come forward as a result of your friendly admonishment.
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I totally agree with you on this. It's odd to me how many men I encounter that don't understand friendships between men and women - it's either intimacy or nothing. When an attractive woman comes up to me and talks for a bit, sometimes a guy will ask if I'm dating her, but I respond that we are just friends. Then they give me that 'yeah, right' look. But to have women friends, you have to genuinely like them - and believe me, a woman can tell if you really do/do not like women in general. To a lot of men, women are objects of desire and nothing more. Unfortunately, the current culture (rap, tv, internet) seems to only reinforce that belief.
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